6.8.11
22.6.11
Just listened to some music from 2004/2005...
and it made me nostalgic for college.
Gnarls Barkley – St. Elsewhere
Iron & Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days
Keane – Hopes and Fears
Jack Johnson – In Between Dreams
Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc.
The Killers – Mr. Brightside
Dang. Each album has memories attached to it… and each of those memories are specific to events from college.
10.6.11
Great Performance by Bon Iver
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5.5.11
Some Haiku
War:
Scars that will not heal
Imprints on his memory:
"Freedom is not Free"
Tired:
Broken Embraces
Shattered Kitchen Dishware cuts
Deeply, He leaves her
Empty:
Unusual calm
The house's silence, unbearable
Youth lost forever.
Silence:
Moving lips, no sound
despair strikes him down:
Wracked with chilling doubt
Drugged:
Abrupt Solitude
Faceless voices disappeared:
Dosed Schizophrenic
Great quote from Suzanne Vega:
"Love is the only thing that matters/Love is the only thing that's real/I know we hear this every day/It's still the hardest thing to feel."
31.3.11
Strange Tastes
It’s always interesting handling another person’s iPod or mp3 player. It’s like I’m being treated to a bit of the person’s personality. I like that, it’s very fascinating seeing what is being played and what artists/albums/songs the person is most excited to mention. I wish we would all be more willing to share our interests openly with others—as I said, it helps to give perspective about that person. Right now, my iPod has a playlist that I’ve been running through of 400 favorite songs of mine (varying from “miss u” – notorious b.i.g. to “limp” – Fiona apple to Beethoven’s 7th Symphony, and everything in between. I am really enjoying the playlist and am glad that I’ve gotten exposed to so many different styles and that I don’t have one specifically favorite genre.
What are your favorite artists? Albums? Songs (of the moment)?
Favorite Albums (from childhood/young adulthood):
1. Chris Thile – Not All Who Wander Are Lost
2. Notorious B.I.G. – Ready To Die
3. Fiona Apple – Tidal
4. Counting Crows – August & Everything After
5. Rufus Wainwright – Poses
Favorite artists/bands: (of the moment, and in no particular order)
1. Rufus Wainwright
2. The Decemberists (love Colin’s voice, really that’s the only reason why they’re on this list, hehehe)
3. The Blow (sadly, they’re not making music together anymore)
4. Alison Krauss & Union Station
5. Das Racist (hope they make more mixtapes or EPs)
6. Andrew Bird
7. Esperanza Spalding (though, specifically her Chamber Music Society record)
8. Blonde Redhead (Misery and 23 are my favorite of their albums)
9. Anthony Hamilton (for his Ain’t Nobody Worrying album only)
10. Aloe Blacc (his new album “Good Things” is actually pretty great, check it out! Especially “Miss Fortune”, “So Hard”, and I “Need A Dollar”)
Favorite Songs (Can’t put anything on this list, but would love to see what you all like?)
14.3.11
Excited about the NCAA MEN'S BASKETBALL Tournament
Can’t wait to see how the NCAA Tournament shakes out. It’s about to start. The play-in games happen today and then the tournament officially starts on Thursday. The WV Mountaineers Men’s Basketball team will play at 12:00pm against the winner of the play-in game between UAB and Clemson. I’m pretty amped because this is the first big sporting event since the Superbowl and I just know that it’s the best playoff system of all sports. I wish the NCAA Football post-season would be a playoff similar to the NCAA Men’s “March Madness” format, but it would cost an insane amount of dollars to figure it out and to manufacture a playoff system that everyone would be happy with.
Oh well!
19.2.11
A Place for Physical Education in Schools?
Physical education being mandatory in schools would be a great way of reducing the prevalence of obesity in the children of our society. I never understood why the physical education courses were drastically cut in the state education programs during the mid-nineties.
It's a difficult question, too, though... since many of the kids who were doing physical education would just be bystanders minimally engaging in the physical part of the class. I liked physical education and enjoyed the various activities we were assigned; but I also recognize that it was hard to get all the children to want to actively participate in gym.
I recall my parents' stories from their youth and how they had physical education every day while they were in school: health class for part of the week, and gym class for the other part. That would have served a couple of nice functions: (1) the physical activity would be good for the body; (2) it would be a nice change of pace from being an inactive participant in the learning process (i.e., just sitting and listening/writing notes); (3) physical education or health classes would be a great way of informing our youth of the benefits of maintaining good health habits.
For public school boards to claim that the physical and intellectual well-being of our children is of utmost importance, while not making health education and physical education a more important part of the daily curriculum reeks of ineptitude and short-sightedness. It's just like the National Football League Suits wanting to take a 'hard line stance' on Concussions and the health of their players, while still not mandating proven Concussion Limiting technologies for the helmets the athletes use, and also not having a very proactive health care system for the athletes they claim to want to help.
In the same vain, our children are being fed garbage, and the school claims that they are feeding the children 'age-appropriate, finely tuned diets' in their meal offerings, while having flawed ideas about what is 'healthy' and 'healhtful'.
At a young age, an impressionable youth needs positive health habits to be enforced and reinforced, needs to be told what is good and coaxed to act with that positive behavior in mind. Knowing what it means for something to be a 'good food' or the benefits of being active throughout the day should enable children to harness their knowledge toward life-long positive health decisions.
Really, this shouldn't be a debate, but just like the question of 'should we support the creative arts in our schools' question, schools aren't looking at the benefits of a well-rounded education on their students, but instead how our students rank in the testable subjects of math, science, language, and history. Well-rounded curricula allows for more balanced young adults, and introduces more stimuli to those students. This is a huge positive, as it gives us a more creative, engaged, actively thoughtful community of people who are prepared for the many different types of jobs available in the 'real world'. This is ultimately the big goal, and schools should do well to note that their decisions will alter the path these children will take towards adulthood.
We should recognize that promoting physical education (gym/health classes) in public schools is just as important as preparing the minds of our youth. Tests have shown that we are more likely to think clearly if we are more healthy than if we are less healthy. We are also more likely to think creatively and intelligently if we have a well-rounded education, a more balanced education. Therefore, I wholeheartedly agree that physical education should be mandatory in schools, and also, that the creative arts have just as important a place in the education of our youth.
thanks for reading my ramblings...
It's a difficult question, too, though... since many of the kids who were doing physical education would just be bystanders minimally engaging in the physical part of the class. I liked physical education and enjoyed the various activities we were assigned; but I also recognize that it was hard to get all the children to want to actively participate in gym.
I recall my parents' stories from their youth and how they had physical education every day while they were in school: health class for part of the week, and gym class for the other part. That would have served a couple of nice functions: (1) the physical activity would be good for the body; (2) it would be a nice change of pace from being an inactive participant in the learning process (i.e., just sitting and listening/writing notes); (3) physical education or health classes would be a great way of informing our youth of the benefits of maintaining good health habits.
For public school boards to claim that the physical and intellectual well-being of our children is of utmost importance, while not making health education and physical education a more important part of the daily curriculum reeks of ineptitude and short-sightedness. It's just like the National Football League Suits wanting to take a 'hard line stance' on Concussions and the health of their players, while still not mandating proven Concussion Limiting technologies for the helmets the athletes use, and also not having a very proactive health care system for the athletes they claim to want to help.
In the same vain, our children are being fed garbage, and the school claims that they are feeding the children 'age-appropriate, finely tuned diets' in their meal offerings, while having flawed ideas about what is 'healthy' and 'healhtful'.
At a young age, an impressionable youth needs positive health habits to be enforced and reinforced, needs to be told what is good and coaxed to act with that positive behavior in mind. Knowing what it means for something to be a 'good food' or the benefits of being active throughout the day should enable children to harness their knowledge toward life-long positive health decisions.
Really, this shouldn't be a debate, but just like the question of 'should we support the creative arts in our schools' question, schools aren't looking at the benefits of a well-rounded education on their students, but instead how our students rank in the testable subjects of math, science, language, and history. Well-rounded curricula allows for more balanced young adults, and introduces more stimuli to those students. This is a huge positive, as it gives us a more creative, engaged, actively thoughtful community of people who are prepared for the many different types of jobs available in the 'real world'. This is ultimately the big goal, and schools should do well to note that their decisions will alter the path these children will take towards adulthood.
We should recognize that promoting physical education (gym/health classes) in public schools is just as important as preparing the minds of our youth. Tests have shown that we are more likely to think clearly if we are more healthy than if we are less healthy. We are also more likely to think creatively and intelligently if we have a well-rounded education, a more balanced education. Therefore, I wholeheartedly agree that physical education should be mandatory in schools, and also, that the creative arts have just as important a place in the education of our youth.
thanks for reading my ramblings...
15.2.11
Interests and addictions
1. Things always seem to come to me while I’m listening to music, which is one of the reasons I’m enveloped by a constant stream of music throughout my waking life. Searching for new music is always a treat because it enables me to delve into the many creative styles otherwise inaccessible by staying with one specific genre or artist. Accessing different genres and styles also rekindles memories of my youth, when my parents would play their favorite musicians and groups on the family entertainment system while we were cleaning the house or just enjoying family time. Seeing other people (whose opinions deeply mattered) so happily engaged in styles of music that I hadn’t previously considered left me intrigued by the idea that perhaps there was more out there than what I was listening to. This motivates my pursuit for new music, and also explains why I constantly listen to music throughout the day.
2. Similarly, reading books of various styles gives me a better sense of the outside world, as I am able to consider new information and ideas. The genres I most enjoyed during my youth were sports-oriented teen fiction, fantasy, science fiction, legal thrillers, and typical child fare, (“Goosebumps”, “The Hardy Boys”, Roald Dahl fiction all come to mind). As I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself more intrigued by memoirs, historical fiction, psychological thrillers and science-based fiction. Being a ‘small-town guy’ from Charleston, WV, I’ve often had to use books (like music) as a way to reach beyond the restrictive borders of my small community.
3. Food has always been an interest of mine due to the lack of food available to me while I lived in an orphanage in Colombia. I was malnourished when I arrived in the care of my adoptive (read, True) parents and made my way to the United States. My pediatrician was worried that I wouldn’t overcome some of the physical ailments that occurred as a result of my malnourishment and was astounded when I eclipsed his wildest dreams and grew into a robust, energetic, and healthy young man. Even so, I would never forgot that it was a gift to have food available to me and would always eat everything on my plate. Pickiness was never a concern my mother had for me. Like my above interests in music and literature, my interest lies in a fascination I’ve had since a very young age to ‘not miss anything’. I felt that by being picky I would forfeit the chance to try all the different tastes and flavors that could be had in the world. As an inquisitive person in general, missing out on new information was ‘unacceptable.’ Also, as a psychological profile done on me while in the orphanage in South America outlined, I equated food with love, and especially loved soups and drinks. (Even at 2 and 3 years old, Little Rafael knew exactly how to pull at the heart strings of Big Rafael).
4. This leads me to drinking, something I’ve always liked. Even when I was playing soccer, prescribed by my pediatrician as a way to strengthen my body and un-bow my bowed legs, my favorite part of soccer wasn’t playing or even practicing with friends, it was after we were finished and we’d get a little kool-aid squeeze bottle. That I remember this only heightens that point. I hated playing soccer, perhaps because I was never fond of running, but also partly because my Pediatrician prescribed it. I had no problem playing baseball at the same age, and indeed, grew to love it, but mostly, there was less running involved and I chose to pay. Back to drinking, though… I have always enjoyed drinking. Juices at breakfast, sodas at lunch, juices at dinner… leading to water, soda, juice, cocoa, coffee, tea, alcohol…alcohol…copious amounts of alcohol. As I grew, my interest in drinking alcohol grew stronger and stronger; until, by the time college started, I was drinking every weekend with friends and binge drinking when we drank. I guess all of the quirks I’d developed during my maturation came to a head by the time I started drinking alcohol: I enjoyed the flavor, I wanted to try all the flavors, it wasn’t something I did in my youth, so I felt I was limiting myself if I didn’t drink, I didn’t want to miss anything that might happen while drinking with friends… however, a little curve ball was also thrown, drinking had a way of changing my behavior (for the worse, as well as for the presumed better):
I became more open and less uptight. I was more jovial and friendly, and I was more ‘blacked out’ afterward. Now, in my head, I felt that I could cope with these negative effects on my body if the positive aspects were happening. I rarely saw that my actions were drastically impacting my friends. They would be concerned for my safety, I was less polite to them, and I (felt) that I wasn’t the most unpleasant ‘mean drunk,’ if it got too bad. Having to overcome hangovers, lost Saturdays and Sundays (from sleeping in to recover, and not wanting to do anything else), I felt this was all part of the christening process of becoming an adult and going through college. After several mistakes in college (little things building up) and a couple of DRASTIC mistakes after college, I’ve sworn off drinking alcohol completely. I’m on a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ basis, and I’ve gone almost 8-months, so far, without a sip. Do I sometimes have a pang for the flavor, yes… but I still consider all the improvements in m life since I’ve sworn off drinking and that strengthens my resolve. I’m happier, I’m more upbeat about things. I’ve seen the benefits of making changes to my life and have made several other changes as a result. Long story short, we can make changes to ourselves individually for the better, if we have a system in place to address these changes. I like that I’m holding myself accountable with not drinking, and I like the feeling of being able to control myself. So often, we fall victim to our urges and our desires, and we fall under the hypnotic spell of “I can’t overcome this because I love it too much.” Well, that’s not true and having just a little bit of perspective is all that a person really needs to get away from urges and desires. Being able to separate yourself from a given moment and analyze that moment objectively is a great skill, and one that takes quite a long time to develop. I’m just glad that I’ve been able to gain this perspective as it pertains to drinking alcohol and controlling my urge to drink. I know that I’ll always have an urge to drink, but as I move forward, that urge will become less intense, and my direct response of controlling it will be less and less intense, as well… until I don’t have to think about preventing myself from drinking alcohol and it just won’t be a conscious interest or conscious response.
Thanks for listening,
- Raf
12.2.11
Friendships
In the last few weeks I've come to the realization that I've been away from Shepherd University for almost as long as I was a student and it's pretty surreal. The person who entered that institution back in 2003 is vastly different than my waking self in 2011. In acknowledging this, I've uncovered something that has come to my attention: Friendships and my thoughts on them.
During my youth I was much more 'sheltered' than I would have admitted, but it was a sheltering of my own creation. The people who were most important in my life were my mother, father, maternal grandmother and my brother. I spent most of my time with them or with my brother and our mutual friends Mike and Matt. I didn't really venture too far from this small group, and it was more out of fear of rejection than from anything else.
A skill of mine from a very early age was the ability to communicate effectively and openly with almost anyone. Even so, I wouldn't say that I was the most 'outgoing' person, just that I had the skill to address social engagements when need be. I was often wrongly identified as a very confident, outgoing person and that just wasn't the case. Internally, I thought deeply and conflictingly on most everything--even if I didn't necessarily acknowledge this. I was outgoing more for a need to be recognized and wanted, appreciated and understood, than just being someone who was aware of himself and inherently confident. This reactionary extroversion led to my participation in various social groups in my youth (youth sports, middle school and high school band). Engaging in these socially accepted groups, and excelling where possible, would enable my classmates to see who I truly was and why I was of merit... "Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, Rafa," I would tell myself, "and you'll be able to show how truly gifted and skilled you are. People will want to be your friend for real, and truly make an effort to know the real you." That I wasn't exceptional in any of those groups wasn't the point, in my mind. It was solely that I would do something that my peers might find worth noting.
This was kind of a catch-22, because I started getting 'friends' and cultivated 'friendships' from my endeavors. I was good as a teammate, I had a humorous running commentary during sports practices and I kept my friends in stitches while waiting to perform our next piece of music in band. I acquitted myself quite well to the tasks of sports performance and also in my concert band endeavors. I had people I could talk with, not talk to, and for a time, I was happy. I felt accomplished, even if I hadn't mastered computer code, written a concerto, or been a teen sensation.
While my brother maintained a very close-knit group of friends and very rarely ventured out of that small group, I had this large base of friends, but the group was suddenly turning against me. It didn't dawn on me until I got close to high school graduation why this had happened. I hadn't really allowed my friends in to get to know the real me. I was almost a 'hanger-on' of those groups of which I felt "a part." I was a responsive friend, not one who was participatory. I mean that I was always apologizing if I said something wrong, I was always trying to be friendly with everyone, even those people I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with if I'd truly given it a moment's thought. My friends weren't truly close to me because they didn't see the need. They saw someone who was overly nice, who was in their group because they shared an extracurricular and they felt they had to be nice. Once they saw that I was no longer investing the effort to participate in said extracurricular, they saw no need to continue their communications.
Ironically enough, I stopped investing the effort to participate because I'd realized that I'd made false friendships and that I was getting the short end of the stick. In my last year of High school, I recognized that I didn't feel comfortable in many of my associations with friends, that I was constantly being reactive, rather than having organic conversations. I was tired of having to apologize for being me, and for having the thoughts that I had... and I didn't feel the need to be wanted or needed by my peers. I recognized that I wouldn't be in their presence for much longer, so why try so hard.
And then college happened, and I was able to approach things in a much freer fashion. I was more the 'me' that I wanted to express, than being someone who would appeal to everyone. I had many 'friends' again and it was wonderful. My full undergraduate experience was filled with good moments, moments of growth, moments to learn from, and friends who truly had me in their minds and hearts. We shared the experiences, we shared classes, we shared struggles... and most of all, we shared of each other--thoughts, feelings. We grew together. And it was this new approach that gave me the most out of my college experience. That I could communicate effectively only strengthened my associations with those friends, as I was finally able to express my feelings openly and confidently.
So, I guess this post is more about just expressing why I may not have kept many of my friends from my youth, but why I was able to have some very true, precious, and positive friendships that have survived past my college years. Maybe not everyone I thought I'd still be in touch with, but those people who have shared in the friendship process.
I've become acutely aware that I don't need to do things to impress others or please others, that my actions should be borne from an honest desire. That I can grow even in those situations when I may not have the approval of others. My balanced, grounded upbringing has greatly helped me in this growth... while those friends who've stuck through it all have also contributed directly to my growth.
I suppose I should say thanks for everything...
"Thanks so much."
- Raf
During my youth I was much more 'sheltered' than I would have admitted, but it was a sheltering of my own creation. The people who were most important in my life were my mother, father, maternal grandmother and my brother. I spent most of my time with them or with my brother and our mutual friends Mike and Matt. I didn't really venture too far from this small group, and it was more out of fear of rejection than from anything else.
A skill of mine from a very early age was the ability to communicate effectively and openly with almost anyone. Even so, I wouldn't say that I was the most 'outgoing' person, just that I had the skill to address social engagements when need be. I was often wrongly identified as a very confident, outgoing person and that just wasn't the case. Internally, I thought deeply and conflictingly on most everything--even if I didn't necessarily acknowledge this. I was outgoing more for a need to be recognized and wanted, appreciated and understood, than just being someone who was aware of himself and inherently confident. This reactionary extroversion led to my participation in various social groups in my youth (youth sports, middle school and high school band). Engaging in these socially accepted groups, and excelling where possible, would enable my classmates to see who I truly was and why I was of merit... "Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, Rafa," I would tell myself, "and you'll be able to show how truly gifted and skilled you are. People will want to be your friend for real, and truly make an effort to know the real you." That I wasn't exceptional in any of those groups wasn't the point, in my mind. It was solely that I would do something that my peers might find worth noting.
This was kind of a catch-22, because I started getting 'friends' and cultivated 'friendships' from my endeavors. I was good as a teammate, I had a humorous running commentary during sports practices and I kept my friends in stitches while waiting to perform our next piece of music in band. I acquitted myself quite well to the tasks of sports performance and also in my concert band endeavors. I had people I could talk with, not talk to, and for a time, I was happy. I felt accomplished, even if I hadn't mastered computer code, written a concerto, or been a teen sensation.
While my brother maintained a very close-knit group of friends and very rarely ventured out of that small group, I had this large base of friends, but the group was suddenly turning against me. It didn't dawn on me until I got close to high school graduation why this had happened. I hadn't really allowed my friends in to get to know the real me. I was almost a 'hanger-on' of those groups of which I felt "a part." I was a responsive friend, not one who was participatory. I mean that I was always apologizing if I said something wrong, I was always trying to be friendly with everyone, even those people I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with if I'd truly given it a moment's thought. My friends weren't truly close to me because they didn't see the need. They saw someone who was overly nice, who was in their group because they shared an extracurricular and they felt they had to be nice. Once they saw that I was no longer investing the effort to participate in said extracurricular, they saw no need to continue their communications.
Ironically enough, I stopped investing the effort to participate because I'd realized that I'd made false friendships and that I was getting the short end of the stick. In my last year of High school, I recognized that I didn't feel comfortable in many of my associations with friends, that I was constantly being reactive, rather than having organic conversations. I was tired of having to apologize for being me, and for having the thoughts that I had... and I didn't feel the need to be wanted or needed by my peers. I recognized that I wouldn't be in their presence for much longer, so why try so hard.
And then college happened, and I was able to approach things in a much freer fashion. I was more the 'me' that I wanted to express, than being someone who would appeal to everyone. I had many 'friends' again and it was wonderful. My full undergraduate experience was filled with good moments, moments of growth, moments to learn from, and friends who truly had me in their minds and hearts. We shared the experiences, we shared classes, we shared struggles... and most of all, we shared of each other--thoughts, feelings. We grew together. And it was this new approach that gave me the most out of my college experience. That I could communicate effectively only strengthened my associations with those friends, as I was finally able to express my feelings openly and confidently.
So, I guess this post is more about just expressing why I may not have kept many of my friends from my youth, but why I was able to have some very true, precious, and positive friendships that have survived past my college years. Maybe not everyone I thought I'd still be in touch with, but those people who have shared in the friendship process.
I've become acutely aware that I don't need to do things to impress others or please others, that my actions should be borne from an honest desire. That I can grow even in those situations when I may not have the approval of others. My balanced, grounded upbringing has greatly helped me in this growth... while those friends who've stuck through it all have also contributed directly to my growth.
I suppose I should say thanks for everything...
"Thanks so much."
- Raf
11.2.11
Livejournal, blogosphere, old vs. new
So, I spent yesterday evening watching episodes of That 70’s Show on Netflix (THEY ARE STREAMING ALL 8 SEASONS!!!) when I decided to check my AOL mail. Since it was my first e-mail client when I started using computers frequently (back when I was about 13), I’ve amassed quite a collection of now interesting ‘saved emails.’ One of them was a comment from a friend on one of my livejournal blog posts from about 7 years ago. Baffled at the still present existence of my livejournal page, I excitedly went over to the LJ site and attempted to access my account. It took about ten tries to realize that I’d forgotten my password and after sending myself a reminder e-mail to AOL, I was back in! The rest of the evening was spent retracing my steps from the beginning of my LJ experience all the way to the last post I made in 2008.
I can definitely say that it was a fascinating experience: going through the old (and quite prolific) journal entries from 2003 to 2008. I was shocked at how diligent I was at keeping the blog updated with the happenings of my life. I remember the function for me was as a catharsis, particularly from those early heartbreaks from the first year or two of college. I appreciated reading through it again and gaining an outsider’s view of a person who was reaching out for guidance. I remember wondering some days why I was writing in the journal, but now I can say that I’m truly glad I did. It’s like a little catalog of my life, an encapsulation of my college experience… and even though I didn’t put as much in there for the last two years, I still had enough in there to get a sense of what was going on.
I moved on to this account for a short time and thought I would keep up on it, but I left the blogosphere back in 02-2009. I hope that this is going to be a solid return, because I remember that using the journal to document my life, interests, and feelings was always refreshing and a great way to contemplate something, document it, and move past it. Guidance from friends and strangers is always appreciated, as are kind words.
One thing about last night, though… after finishing my reverse-chronological review of the journal, ending at my first posts from college… I was unable to sleep. My mind was racing and it felt as though I was sitting in a circular room surrounded by doors and those doors each opened to a different memory in fast motion… like I was fast-forwarding through my life. Even though I was unable to fall asleep until 3am, I am surprisingly awake right now.
I’m also glad to see that some of my more responsive LJ friends have kept writing in their journals as well, which gives me something to look into when I get home. A way of catching up on the lives of friends from a distance.
Sincerely,
Raf of 2011.
7.2.11
Starting anew...
It’s been over two years since I’ve accessed my site and I think it’s high time that I begin using this forum for expressing ideas, feelings and imaginings. I hope everyone has been doing well, I have much to share and look forward to getting into more depth and detail moving forward. Salud!
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