1. Things always seem to come to me while I’m listening to music, which is one of the reasons I’m enveloped by a constant stream of music throughout my waking life. Searching for new music is always a treat because it enables me to delve into the many creative styles otherwise inaccessible by staying with one specific genre or artist. Accessing different genres and styles also rekindles memories of my youth, when my parents would play their favorite musicians and groups on the family entertainment system while we were cleaning the house or just enjoying family time. Seeing other people (whose opinions deeply mattered) so happily engaged in styles of music that I hadn’t previously considered left me intrigued by the idea that perhaps there was more out there than what I was listening to. This motivates my pursuit for new music, and also explains why I constantly listen to music throughout the day.
2. Similarly, reading books of various styles gives me a better sense of the outside world, as I am able to consider new information and ideas. The genres I most enjoyed during my youth were sports-oriented teen fiction, fantasy, science fiction, legal thrillers, and typical child fare, (“Goosebumps”, “The Hardy Boys”, Roald Dahl fiction all come to mind). As I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself more intrigued by memoirs, historical fiction, psychological thrillers and science-based fiction. Being a ‘small-town guy’ from Charleston, WV, I’ve often had to use books (like music) as a way to reach beyond the restrictive borders of my small community.
3. Food has always been an interest of mine due to the lack of food available to me while I lived in an orphanage in Colombia. I was malnourished when I arrived in the care of my adoptive (read, True) parents and made my way to the United States. My pediatrician was worried that I wouldn’t overcome some of the physical ailments that occurred as a result of my malnourishment and was astounded when I eclipsed his wildest dreams and grew into a robust, energetic, and healthy young man. Even so, I would never forgot that it was a gift to have food available to me and would always eat everything on my plate. Pickiness was never a concern my mother had for me. Like my above interests in music and literature, my interest lies in a fascination I’ve had since a very young age to ‘not miss anything’. I felt that by being picky I would forfeit the chance to try all the different tastes and flavors that could be had in the world. As an inquisitive person in general, missing out on new information was ‘unacceptable.’ Also, as a psychological profile done on me while in the orphanage in South America outlined, I equated food with love, and especially loved soups and drinks. (Even at 2 and 3 years old, Little Rafael knew exactly how to pull at the heart strings of Big Rafael).
4. This leads me to drinking, something I’ve always liked. Even when I was playing soccer, prescribed by my pediatrician as a way to strengthen my body and un-bow my bowed legs, my favorite part of soccer wasn’t playing or even practicing with friends, it was after we were finished and we’d get a little kool-aid squeeze bottle. That I remember this only heightens that point. I hated playing soccer, perhaps because I was never fond of running, but also partly because my Pediatrician prescribed it. I had no problem playing baseball at the same age, and indeed, grew to love it, but mostly, there was less running involved and I chose to pay. Back to drinking, though… I have always enjoyed drinking. Juices at breakfast, sodas at lunch, juices at dinner… leading to water, soda, juice, cocoa, coffee, tea, alcohol…alcohol…copious amounts of alcohol. As I grew, my interest in drinking alcohol grew stronger and stronger; until, by the time college started, I was drinking every weekend with friends and binge drinking when we drank. I guess all of the quirks I’d developed during my maturation came to a head by the time I started drinking alcohol: I enjoyed the flavor, I wanted to try all the flavors, it wasn’t something I did in my youth, so I felt I was limiting myself if I didn’t drink, I didn’t want to miss anything that might happen while drinking with friends… however, a little curve ball was also thrown, drinking had a way of changing my behavior (for the worse, as well as for the presumed better):
I became more open and less uptight. I was more jovial and friendly, and I was more ‘blacked out’ afterward. Now, in my head, I felt that I could cope with these negative effects on my body if the positive aspects were happening. I rarely saw that my actions were drastically impacting my friends. They would be concerned for my safety, I was less polite to them, and I (felt) that I wasn’t the most unpleasant ‘mean drunk,’ if it got too bad. Having to overcome hangovers, lost Saturdays and Sundays (from sleeping in to recover, and not wanting to do anything else), I felt this was all part of the christening process of becoming an adult and going through college. After several mistakes in college (little things building up) and a couple of DRASTIC mistakes after college, I’ve sworn off drinking alcohol completely. I’m on a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ basis, and I’ve gone almost 8-months, so far, without a sip. Do I sometimes have a pang for the flavor, yes… but I still consider all the improvements in m life since I’ve sworn off drinking and that strengthens my resolve. I’m happier, I’m more upbeat about things. I’ve seen the benefits of making changes to my life and have made several other changes as a result. Long story short, we can make changes to ourselves individually for the better, if we have a system in place to address these changes. I like that I’m holding myself accountable with not drinking, and I like the feeling of being able to control myself. So often, we fall victim to our urges and our desires, and we fall under the hypnotic spell of “I can’t overcome this because I love it too much.” Well, that’s not true and having just a little bit of perspective is all that a person really needs to get away from urges and desires. Being able to separate yourself from a given moment and analyze that moment objectively is a great skill, and one that takes quite a long time to develop. I’m just glad that I’ve been able to gain this perspective as it pertains to drinking alcohol and controlling my urge to drink. I know that I’ll always have an urge to drink, but as I move forward, that urge will become less intense, and my direct response of controlling it will be less and less intense, as well… until I don’t have to think about preventing myself from drinking alcohol and it just won’t be a conscious interest or conscious response.
Thanks for listening,
- Raf
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